More Mind Games

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Emotionless

The wait for my moms condition continues. I’m getting to the point where I have no tears left in me. Numbness and tiredness are my new feelings. Thirst and hunger are non existent. If someone tells me to eat or drink water one more time I’m going to flip. Today was the first day I was able to take a shower, and it was exhausting. Before you judge my bathing habits, think about loosing the person who is the world to you.

The Wait

We are waiting until the weekend to see if the jakafi (her last antirejection drug) is working or not. They are having to play around with a bunch of different medications now to adjust around with her blood pressure, heart rate and temperature. They want to keep her between 96-97 degrees and are playing around with medications to help calm her down because of being intubated and she’s coughing a lot  Bilirubin was stable yesterday but went up today. Having the bilirubin stay the same yesterday but go up today is sort of a mind fuck for everyone because we want it to go down or stay the same not go up. You win a victory one day and loose one the next day, it’s mentally exhausting.

It doesn’t help that the way my sister deals with stuff is to take things out on me. I’m the youngest and specifically her younger sister, so its easy to take it out on me. My brother told me to leave it and just let it go but it’s hard for me to do that. I know my mom would tell me to let it go too, she always would sway that to people. Anytime people got angry or hold a grudge she always says, get over it and just let it go Meg.

Take Nothing For Granted

Yesterday she opened her eyes for the first time and I would have cried if I had any liquid left in me. I never thought I would see her hazel eyes again. Never take simple things like looking into someone’s eyes for granted. My mom has the most beautiful and gentle eyes. No matter what happens I will always remember seeing them and really taking them in another time.

Never take for granted the people you are able to talk to and have conversations with. Hearing my moms voice is one of the things I miss the most. At night I listen to old voicemails from her and just take it all in.

 

Here’s a picture of Me, My sister ( The Bride) and My Mom at my sisters wedding two years ago. It was her last time she was able to go out and be around all of our friends and family.

 

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