Rabit Hole

We have come to the realization we have to start comfort care today for my mom.

I have nothing really else to say at the moment.

 Currently I’m lost down that rabbit hole. I made the mistake of gong on Pinterest and typing in loss of a parent.

It’s very gloomy and nothing really inspirational about it has appeared to make me feel better. Nothing positive comes with Greif besides you are two people, one in front of people and another when your alone and the grief makes you frozen inside.

You can’t explain the theory of everything happens for a reason when your favorite person dies. She has the kindest heart and the best soul. She never has done a bad thing in her life or had a bad thought. Life is just brutal and cruel and good people always get shit on while bad people always seem to have good things happen to them.

 

When you lose someone you love , you never fully recover or return to the person you were before you lost them. You just learn to adapt to the new you. I wonder what the new me will be? I am going to become bitter at the world?  I don’t see how I wouldn’t, there is no possible underlying reason why something like this would happen to something as great as my mom. I wish sometimes I didn’t have such great parents because then maybe this wouldn’t hurt so much…..

 

No matter what people try to say to console me I already know  it’s all full of shit. She in a better place now, fuck that. A better place is at home with all her family who loves her. A better place is here with my sister, whose about to have her first granddaughter my mom was so excited for. People will say, she fought so hard….like okay great she fought so hard to loose in the end anyways and die. She fought so hard for her body to fail her. Her mind is great, hear heart is great her lungs are great but she’s dyeing from the other small organs like her kidney and liver that are failing. No matter what anyone says it’s not going to help. What’s going to help is having her get healthy and grow old with my dad.

I don’t want to go to grief groups and hear other sad stories about how people lost their parent. Their sad story isn’t going to help my sad story. Nothing can fix what is about to be broken. No one will love me the way my mom loved me. You don’t get that kind of love twice in life.

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